inevitable collisions.

It’s a realization I’ve long had, but I don’t think I’ve truly appreciated it for what it was until tonight.  And I still don’t think I’ve got it fully integrated into the person that I am.  It will be a slow, ongoing, and perhaps agonizing process.  Old habits are, after all, hard to break.

I have long waged a war against my own anticipations and expectations.  And it’s taken me years to discover exactly what it was that I was fighting against.  I believe the majority of my disappointments stem from unfulfilled expectations, many of which were made subconsciously.  Maybe I daydream too much for my own good, who knows, though I know I can’t let logic and rationale dictate me any more than it already does.  All things in moderation.  I don’t advocate always expecting the worst – I’ve thought about anticipating only the baseline so that everything else becomes a happy surprise, but that’s viewing life as if it were always a trick of the light.  Besides, would I ever be motivated if I only expected the bare minimum?  Surely I trust myself more than that.

I believe that everything I know as of right now, this very moment, is nothing I could’ve ever anticipated.  Nothing I could’ve ever dreamed up – yet it is so much more than I could ever want.  I make the decisions but I can’t direct where it will lead me.  And when I look back, the footprints have already eroded, no use in deciphering the path that brought me here.  Each step was a misdirection in its own way.  Perhaps I should trust that if I just let go, it can only get better, sooner than later.

I think too much and sit too still to the ticking of my own clock…